You’re Accused Of Writing A “Rape Manual.” Now What?

Written by Brad Phillips @MrMediaTraining on June 27, 2013 – 8:39 pm

I wrote about the website Kickstarter yesterday, which offers authors, musicians, and others the ability to raise funds to develop and release projects they’re working on.

You may remember that the website apologized recently after users complained that an author writing a seduction guide—which some people referred to as a “rape manual” due to some of the author’s advice that appeared to encourage non-consensual sexual behavior—was using their website to raise money. (You can read the original article here.)

Well, something interesting happened this morning. The author of that book, Ken Hoinsky, saw my post and tweeted this to me:

Ken Hoinsky Tweet

I responded to Ken a few times on Twitter, which led to a 30-minute phone call this afternoon. (He is not a client, I do not represent him, and we have no confidentiality contract between us. He allowed me to ask him several question on the record.)

The biggest piece of advice I offered Ken—or would offer anyone else in a similar situation—is this: You must focus your response, laser-like, on the people who were most hurt by your comments. If you don’t make it right with the people who were most offended by your words, you’re sunk. And it’s not enough to simply say the right things; the right words must be paired with sincere action.  

In this case, the people who were most deeply offended by his comments were likely women who have been raped or sexually abused, those who fear being a victim of violence, and the organizations that advocate for their welfare. The success or failure of his response will be determined largely by how well (or poorly) those women and organizations perceive his actions from this point forward.


Screenshot of the video author Ken Hoinsky made to promote his book


If he comes across as a man who reflected on his harmful words, understands that they could lead to violence against women, and pledges to learn from the experience and change his approach, he might be able to salvage his reputation long-term. If he looks like he’s acting to preserve his own interests instead of those of the people most offended by his words, he won’t.

The story is now largely out of the headlines. If Ken makes a donation to the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN), for example, there’s a chance it may not generate any headlines for him and help him restore his reputation. I hope he’ll do it anyway. Doing the right thing is always good PR.

I also hope he’ll follow through on a pledge he communicated to me to work with these organizations to help ensure that his final book draft doesn’t contain any seduction techniques that could put women at risk. If he develops a long-term and sincere relationship with those organizations, they may eventually say positive things about his commitment. Of course, they may not. He should do it anyway.

The bottom line is that every action he takes from now on will be scrutinized using these questions: Is he sincere? Is he offering help for the right reasons or to help restore his reputation? Is he going to be an advocate for women long-term, or is he just going to be around until this controversy dies?

If he’s on the right side of each of those questions, he has a chance to make some good come out of this incident. I hope he is.

An Excerpt From Our Interview

What have you learned?

“Being a writer, your intentions don’t matter. I didn’t set out to write a book that people would think had rape advice – that people interpreted it that way means it wasn’t coming across right. Coming to terms with the fact that I wrote something harmful has been humbling.”

Do you see the point your critics are making?

“I absolutely get it. It’s one of these things that as a man in society, we really don’t think about the fear of rape or sexual assault; it’s a privilege we have as men. The fear of being raped is in the forefront of most if not all women’s minds. The fact that the words I put on a piece of paper could lead to someone being raped or sexually assaulted is horrifying. I 100 percent understand the reason why those words were so offensive. Having had a chance to reflect on it…since this scandal broke…the things that I said and the feedback that I’m getting has given me the opportunity to understand that what I’ve said is hurtful to women who have been raped, fear being raped, and I want to apologize.”

What are you going to do about it?

I want the outcome of this to be a positive one….If I can in some way open up the dialogue about these issues about men who are seeking out advice to get better in relationships and women concerned about some of that advice being harmful, I’d like to bring those sides together — that would be a lasting legacy I would be very proud of. I am reaching out to anti-rape and abuse organizations, seeking their advice and assistance to go through the advice in this book to make sure it’s beneficial for everyone…I’m going to be donating a portion of these proceeds back to anti-rape charities.”

How has this affected you personally?

“The thing that keeps me going is that the people who know me outside a few words have across the board sent messages of support and understand the bigger picture. That has allowed me to keep my sanity and feel like the whole world isn’t against me. I’m not the type of person to dwell on things I can’t control. I’m looking for an opportunity to make something good happen in the end.”

What do you think? Please leave your thoughts in the comments section below.


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The Anatomy Of The Perfect Apology

Written by Brad Phillips @MrMediaTraining on June 26, 2013 – 6:02 am

Let’s say you’re a musician who wants to release an album. The problem is that you don’t have any money, and you’ll need to raise some cash for studio time, marketing, and the dude playing bass.

That’s where the website Kickstarter comes in. People with a vision for a new product or piece of art post a summary of their project to Kickstarter, and people who like their idea give them money. Sometimes, those donors receive an incentive for contributing, such as a signed copy of the finished book or a personal visit from the author.

Last month, a man named Ken Hoinsky added his project to the website. He’s a writer who wanted to publish a book on the art of seduction called Above The Game: A Guide to Getting Awesome with Women. He quickly raised more than $16,000.

But some of the advice Hoinsky has dispensed in the past is controversial. Some critics even called his book a “rape manual.”



The quotes below are Mr. Hoinsky’s: (warning: graphic content)

“All the greatest seducers in history could not keep their hands off of women. They aggressively escalated physically with every woman they were flirting with…Even when a girl rejects your advances, she KNOWS that you desire her. That’s hot. It arouses her physically and psychologically.”

“Sex: Pull out your cock and put her hand on it. Remember, she is letting you do this because you have established yourself as a LEADER. Don’t ask for permission, GRAB HER HAND, and put it right on your dick.”

Many horrified people contacted Kickstarter and asked them to remove his listing. They didn’t. As the outrage understandably intensified, so too did the company’s crisis.

But when Kickstarter finally responded, they did it perfectly. You’ll find Kickstarter’s full apology below, deconstructed to analyze why each part worked so well. It’s a terrific template for a crisis response.

The Headline

“We were wrong”

That unambiguous headline said it all. Kickstarter didn’t give itself any room to hide and took full responsibility from the start.


The Open

“Dear everybody,

On Wednesday morning Kickstarter was sent a blog post quoting disturbing material found on Reddit. The offensive material was part of a draft for a “seduction guide” that someone was using Kickstarter to publish. The posts offended a lot of people — us included — and many asked us to cancel the creator’s project. We didn’t.

We were wrong.”

Kickstarter acknowledged the offending post but didn’t linger on the details. After that short set-up, they again reiterated their main message: “We were wrong.”


The Explanation

This section of an apology is often the most difficult to get right, since explanations can easily come across as excuses. Theirs didn’t.

“Why didn’t we cancel the project when this material was brought to our attention? Two things influenced our decision:

  • The decision had to be made immediately. We had only two hours from when we found out about the material to when the project was ending. We’ve never acted to remove a project that quickly. 
  • Our processes, and everyday thinking, bias heavily toward creators. This is deeply ingrained. We feel a duty to our community — and our creators especially — to approach these investigations methodically as there is no margin for error in canceling a project. This thinking made us miss the forest for the trees.

These factors don’t excuse our decision but we hope they add clarity to how we arrived at it.”

Their explanation worked primarily because it looked like it was written by thoughtful human beings, not risk-averse attorneys. Beyond being human, their explanation was also couched in values that both they and their users share.


The Value Statement

“Let us be 100% clear: Content promoting or glorifying violence against women or anyone else has always been prohibited from Kickstarter. If a project page contains hateful or abusive material we don’t approve it in the first place. If we had seen this material when the project was submitted to Kickstarter (we didn’t), it never would have been approved. Kickstarter is committed to a culture of respect.”


The Hard Truth

“Where does this leave us?

First, there is no taking back money from the project or canceling funding after the fact. When the project was funded the backers’ money went directly from them to the creator. We missed the window.”

For many people, this is likely the least satisfying part of their response. Mr. Hoinsky got his money. But they delivered the news in a forthright manner that once again accepted full responsibility: “We missed the window.” Notice that they used active language instead of passive and distancing language (e.g. “The window was missed”).


The Remedy

“Second, the project page has been removed from Kickstarter. The project has no place on our site. For transparency’s sake, a record of the page is cached here.

Third, we are prohibiting “seduction guides,” or anything similar, effective immediately. This material encourages misogynistic behavior and is inconsistent with our mission of funding creative works. These things do not belong on Kickstarter.

Fourth, today Kickstarter will donate $25,000 to an anti-sexual violence organization called RAINN. It’s an excellent organization that combats exactly the sort of problems our inaction may have encouraged.”

Their generous donation to RAINN is likely the most newsworthy part of their response. But don’t overlook parts two and three. Part two demonstrated Kickstarter’s transparency, and part three offered a specific policy change along with an effective date (“immediately”).


The Close

Just in case you missed that Kickstarter admitted they were wrong the first two times, they wanted to make sure that you got that they got it.

“We take our role as Kickstarter’s stewards very seriously. Kickstarter is one of the friendliest, most supportive places on the web and we’re committed to keeping it that way. We’re sorry for getting this so wrong.

Thank you,



What do you think of Kickstarter’s apology? Please leave your thoughts in the comments section below.


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    The Mr. Media Training Blog offers daily tips to help readers become better media spokespersons and public speakers. It also examines how well (or poorly) public figures are communicating through the media.

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